Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
