both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
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i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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