Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
