So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
