I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
pray to the hookup gods
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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