we have pet lesbian snakes
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
