After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
