Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
