hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
