On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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