Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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