I am spending my child support on dildos
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
