Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
