I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
