I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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