Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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