Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
