I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
