the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
