Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
