Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
