so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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