I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
