I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
