my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
not ubering you a puppy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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