HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
