brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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