If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
