If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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