Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
