Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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