i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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