I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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