Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Holy shit dude........stairs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
