I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
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We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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