i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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