Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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