So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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