everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
