i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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