I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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