So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
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Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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