Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
