We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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