someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
