I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
