i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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