Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i think i have two assholes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
