i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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