your parents love me but you hate me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
