Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
