I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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