you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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