pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
