I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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