I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Farmville is her only friend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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