Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
