I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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