i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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