Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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