my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
