Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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