I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
